Text of presentation - Safeguarding Panel at World Meeting of Families 24AUG2018
I have been introduced as a survivor of clerical abuse and this is the case, I was sexually assaulted as a child by a priest. However this morning I would like to speak as a mother and a wife.
I will never forget the overwhelming flood of love that I felt when my baby was put in my arms for the first time. Soon this was followed by the weight of responsibility which came with it. The realisation that this helpless little person in my arms was totally depending on his father and me to keep him safe from harm. I know these will be feelings familiar to many here.
Pope Francis in his letter to every Catholic in the world a few days ago acknowledged the huge failure in the Church to safeguard children and vulnerable adults – he said “We showed no care for the little ones, we abandoned them” He spoke in clear terms of the atrocities carried out by consecrated persons, clerics and the cover up by church leaders.
Survivors and victims of abuse do not need a letter from the Pope to know this reality, we have been speaking about it for decades. Sadly still in the church among clergy and laity there are people who prefer to believe it is all a media conspiracy or just survivors who are trying to destroy the church – they deny and they defend - Let us hope where they would not believe the survivors they will now believe the Pope. Accept the truth and put their energy, instead of into denial, into bringing the changes that are needed.
All of us, particularly Catholic families need to raise their voices and call for the Church to protect children - the heart of the family – everywhere. It is our duty to speak up and to seek assurance that there is no place in the Catholic Church for anyone who would hurt a child or vulnerable adult or for anyone who would protect such a predator. We must keep children safe.
So what should the Church do to keep our children and vulnerable adults safe and bring justice to survivors?
These are the measure I ask for and I hope you will too:
That the strongest possible safeguarding policies with the strength of canon law behind them should be implemented in every diocese and congregation around the world. The USA and Ireland have strong policies but every child is equally precious, where he or she lives should not decide whether they will be safe or left at risk of harm. Why is this not being done?
There should be robust structures in place to hold fully accountable those in leadership who protect a predator or those in the Vatican who would hinder safety measures, with strong sanctions for the guilty, dismissal from their post, removal of their titles and privileges and if necessary laicization. Such a court was announced by the Vatican three years ago as recommended by the Pontifical Commission for the Protection of Minors but has never been put in place. Why not?
The Church on the one hand claims (as the Pope himself did in his recent letter) to be on the side of the victims while at the same time fighting against the removal of statutes of limitation in places where if removed more abusers could be prosecuted and the victims receive justice. The action are contrary to the words! These objections must be dropped.
Real zero tolerance should be put in place to ensure any priest who abuses a child is removed from the church immediately. If canon law does not cover it bring in a new law! Sadly more often canon law has been used to protect the abuser than to punish him. Here in Ireland in the 1990’s we saw bishops being told by the Vatican not to report abusing priests to the police as it was “against canon law” (see Murphy report 2009)
Stop using the Pontifical Secret, in cases of an abusing priests’ canon law trials, to restrict victims from their legal rights to information, files etc. I believe the PCPM recommended this a year ago but it is still in place. The Pontifical Secret was not intended to be used in his way.
The Church must explained why these changes are not being made and every family needs to call for them. If these are new to you please become informed and work for the safety of our children in the church,
I hope in the following discussion we can look at some of these questions.
This is a link to the video of the full session - 2nd item down
www.worldmeeting2018.ie/en/Programme/Congress/Live-Streaming
SPANISH TRANSLATION BELOW
Texto para el panel de presentación sobre Salvaguarda en el Encuentro Mundial de las Familias 24 de agosto de2018
Marie Collins
Me han presentado como sobreviviente de abuso clerical y efectivamente fue así. Fui asaltada sexualmente cuando era niña por un sacerdote. Sin embargo, esta mañana me gustaría hablar como madre y esposa.
Nunca olvidaré el abrumador torrente de amor que sentí cuando mi bebé fue puesto en mis brazos por primera vez. Rápidamente, a ese sentimiento le siguió el peso de la responsabilidad que conllevaba. Darme cuenta que esa pequeña persona indefensa en mis brazos dependía totalmente de su padre y de mí para mantenerla a salvo del daño. Sé que estos serán sentimientos familiares para muchos aquí.
El papa Francisco en su carta a todos los católicos del mundo de hace unos días reconoció el gran fracaso de la Iglesia para salvaguardar a los niños y los adultos vulnerables, dijo: “no mostramos ningún cuidado por los pequeños, los abandonamos”. Habló en términos claros de las atrocidades llevadas a cabo por personas consagradas, clérigos y del encubrimiento realizado por los líderes de la iglesia.
Los sobrevivientes y las víctimas de abuso no necesitan una carta del papa Francisco para conocer esta realidad; hemos estado hablando de ello durante décadas. Tristemente todavía en la Iglesia, entre el clero y los laicos, hay personas que prefieren creer que todo es una conspiración de los medios de comunicación o que se trata sólo de sobrevivientes que tratan de destruir a la iglesia. Ellos niegan y defienden. Esperemos que no les crean a los sobrevivientes. Ahora tendrán que creerle al papa. Acepta la verdad y pon tu energía, en lugar de la negación, para generar los cambios que se necesitan.
Todos nosotros, en particular las familias católicas, necesitamos alzar la voz y pedir a la Iglesia que proteja a los niños, el corazón de la familia, en todas partes. Es nuestro deber hablar y buscar que se garantice que no hay lugar en la iglesia católica para cualquiera que lastime a un niño o adulto vulnerable o para cualquiera que proteja a un depredador que haga ese tipo de cosas. Debemos mantener a los niños seguros.
Entonces, ¿qué debe hacer la Iglesia para mantener seguros a nuestros niños y adultos vulnerables y hacer justicia a los sobrevivientes?
Estas son las medidas que solicito y espero que tú también:
Que las políticas de salvaguarda más severas que sean posibles estén respaldadas por la fuerza del derecho canónico deben adoptarse en todas las diócesis y congregaciones de todo el mundo. Los Estados Unidos e Irlanda tienen políticas firmes, pero cada niño es igualmente valioso, y el lugar en el que vive no debe decidir si estará a salvo o en peligro de sufrir daños. ¿Por qué no se está haciendo esto?
Deberían existir estructuras sólidas para responsabilizar plenamente a aquellos en el liderazgo que protegen a un depredador o aquellos en el Vaticano que obstaculizarían las medidas de seguridad, con fuertes sanciones para los culpables, el despido de sus puestos, la eliminación de sus títulos y privilegios y, si es necesario, la laicización. Tal tribunal fue anunciado por el Vaticano hace tres años, según lo recomendó la Comisión Pontificia para la Protección de Menores, pero nunca se ha puesto en marcha. ¿Por qué no?
La iglesia, por un lado, reclama (como lo hizo el propio papa en su reciente carta) estar del lado de las víctimas y al mismo tiempo lucha contra la eliminación de los plazos de prescripción en lugares donde, si se eliminan, podrían ser procesados más abusadores y las víctimas podrían tener acceso a la justicia. ¡Lo que la iglesia hace contradice lo que la iglesia dice! Estas objeciones deben descartarse.
Se debe establecer una verdadera tolerancia cero para garantizar que cualquier sacerdote que abuse de un menor sea retirado de la iglesia inmediatamente. ¡Si la ley canónica no lo considera, es necesario reformar el Código de Derecho Canónico! Lamentablemente, el Código de Derecho Canónico ha sido utilizado con más frecuencia para proteger al abusador que para castigarlo. Aquí en Irlanda, en la década de 1990, vimos cómo el Vaticano les decía a los obispos que no informaran a la policía de los sacerdotes que abusaban, pues era "contrario al derecho canónico" (véase el informe Murphy 2009).
Se debe dejar de usar el Secreto Pontificio, en casos de los juicios de los sacerdotes por abuso en el marco del derecho canónico, para restringir los derechos legales de las víctimas al acceso a la información, a los archivos y a otros recursos. Creo que la Pontificia Comisión para la Protección de los Menores recomendó esto hace un año, pero todavía está vigente. El secreto pontificio no estaba destinado a ser usado para restringir los derechos legales de las víctimas.
La Iglesia debe explicar por qué estos cambios no se están realizando y cada familia necesita exigirlos. Si usted no conoce estas propuestas de cambios, infórmese y trabaje para la seguridad de nuestros niños en la iglesia,
Espero que en la discusión que tendremos a continuación, podamos considerar algunos de estos temas.
* * *
Traducción de Rodolfo Soriano-Núñez
I have been introduced as a survivor of clerical abuse and this is the case, I was sexually assaulted as a child by a priest. However this morning I would like to speak as a mother and a wife.
I will never forget the overwhelming flood of love that I felt when my baby was put in my arms for the first time. Soon this was followed by the weight of responsibility which came with it. The realisation that this helpless little person in my arms was totally depending on his father and me to keep him safe from harm. I know these will be feelings familiar to many here.
Pope Francis in his letter to every Catholic in the world a few days ago acknowledged the huge failure in the Church to safeguard children and vulnerable adults – he said “We showed no care for the little ones, we abandoned them” He spoke in clear terms of the atrocities carried out by consecrated persons, clerics and the cover up by church leaders.
Survivors and victims of abuse do not need a letter from the Pope to know this reality, we have been speaking about it for decades. Sadly still in the church among clergy and laity there are people who prefer to believe it is all a media conspiracy or just survivors who are trying to destroy the church – they deny and they defend - Let us hope where they would not believe the survivors they will now believe the Pope. Accept the truth and put their energy, instead of into denial, into bringing the changes that are needed.
All of us, particularly Catholic families need to raise their voices and call for the Church to protect children - the heart of the family – everywhere. It is our duty to speak up and to seek assurance that there is no place in the Catholic Church for anyone who would hurt a child or vulnerable adult or for anyone who would protect such a predator. We must keep children safe.
So what should the Church do to keep our children and vulnerable adults safe and bring justice to survivors?
These are the measure I ask for and I hope you will too:
That the strongest possible safeguarding policies with the strength of canon law behind them should be implemented in every diocese and congregation around the world. The USA and Ireland have strong policies but every child is equally precious, where he or she lives should not decide whether they will be safe or left at risk of harm. Why is this not being done?
There should be robust structures in place to hold fully accountable those in leadership who protect a predator or those in the Vatican who would hinder safety measures, with strong sanctions for the guilty, dismissal from their post, removal of their titles and privileges and if necessary laicization. Such a court was announced by the Vatican three years ago as recommended by the Pontifical Commission for the Protection of Minors but has never been put in place. Why not?
The Church on the one hand claims (as the Pope himself did in his recent letter) to be on the side of the victims while at the same time fighting against the removal of statutes of limitation in places where if removed more abusers could be prosecuted and the victims receive justice. The action are contrary to the words! These objections must be dropped.
Real zero tolerance should be put in place to ensure any priest who abuses a child is removed from the church immediately. If canon law does not cover it bring in a new law! Sadly more often canon law has been used to protect the abuser than to punish him. Here in Ireland in the 1990’s we saw bishops being told by the Vatican not to report abusing priests to the police as it was “against canon law” (see Murphy report 2009)
Stop using the Pontifical Secret, in cases of an abusing priests’ canon law trials, to restrict victims from their legal rights to information, files etc. I believe the PCPM recommended this a year ago but it is still in place. The Pontifical Secret was not intended to be used in his way.
The Church must explained why these changes are not being made and every family needs to call for them. If these are new to you please become informed and work for the safety of our children in the church,
I hope in the following discussion we can look at some of these questions.
This is a link to the video of the full session - 2nd item down
www.worldmeeting2018.ie/en/Programme/Congress/Live-Streaming
SPANISH TRANSLATION BELOW
Texto para el panel de presentación sobre Salvaguarda en el Encuentro Mundial de las Familias 24 de agosto de2018
Marie Collins
Me han presentado como sobreviviente de abuso clerical y efectivamente fue así. Fui asaltada sexualmente cuando era niña por un sacerdote. Sin embargo, esta mañana me gustaría hablar como madre y esposa.
Nunca olvidaré el abrumador torrente de amor que sentí cuando mi bebé fue puesto en mis brazos por primera vez. Rápidamente, a ese sentimiento le siguió el peso de la responsabilidad que conllevaba. Darme cuenta que esa pequeña persona indefensa en mis brazos dependía totalmente de su padre y de mí para mantenerla a salvo del daño. Sé que estos serán sentimientos familiares para muchos aquí.
El papa Francisco en su carta a todos los católicos del mundo de hace unos días reconoció el gran fracaso de la Iglesia para salvaguardar a los niños y los adultos vulnerables, dijo: “no mostramos ningún cuidado por los pequeños, los abandonamos”. Habló en términos claros de las atrocidades llevadas a cabo por personas consagradas, clérigos y del encubrimiento realizado por los líderes de la iglesia.
Los sobrevivientes y las víctimas de abuso no necesitan una carta del papa Francisco para conocer esta realidad; hemos estado hablando de ello durante décadas. Tristemente todavía en la Iglesia, entre el clero y los laicos, hay personas que prefieren creer que todo es una conspiración de los medios de comunicación o que se trata sólo de sobrevivientes que tratan de destruir a la iglesia. Ellos niegan y defienden. Esperemos que no les crean a los sobrevivientes. Ahora tendrán que creerle al papa. Acepta la verdad y pon tu energía, en lugar de la negación, para generar los cambios que se necesitan.
Todos nosotros, en particular las familias católicas, necesitamos alzar la voz y pedir a la Iglesia que proteja a los niños, el corazón de la familia, en todas partes. Es nuestro deber hablar y buscar que se garantice que no hay lugar en la iglesia católica para cualquiera que lastime a un niño o adulto vulnerable o para cualquiera que proteja a un depredador que haga ese tipo de cosas. Debemos mantener a los niños seguros.
Entonces, ¿qué debe hacer la Iglesia para mantener seguros a nuestros niños y adultos vulnerables y hacer justicia a los sobrevivientes?
Estas son las medidas que solicito y espero que tú también:
Que las políticas de salvaguarda más severas que sean posibles estén respaldadas por la fuerza del derecho canónico deben adoptarse en todas las diócesis y congregaciones de todo el mundo. Los Estados Unidos e Irlanda tienen políticas firmes, pero cada niño es igualmente valioso, y el lugar en el que vive no debe decidir si estará a salvo o en peligro de sufrir daños. ¿Por qué no se está haciendo esto?
Deberían existir estructuras sólidas para responsabilizar plenamente a aquellos en el liderazgo que protegen a un depredador o aquellos en el Vaticano que obstaculizarían las medidas de seguridad, con fuertes sanciones para los culpables, el despido de sus puestos, la eliminación de sus títulos y privilegios y, si es necesario, la laicización. Tal tribunal fue anunciado por el Vaticano hace tres años, según lo recomendó la Comisión Pontificia para la Protección de Menores, pero nunca se ha puesto en marcha. ¿Por qué no?
La iglesia, por un lado, reclama (como lo hizo el propio papa en su reciente carta) estar del lado de las víctimas y al mismo tiempo lucha contra la eliminación de los plazos de prescripción en lugares donde, si se eliminan, podrían ser procesados más abusadores y las víctimas podrían tener acceso a la justicia. ¡Lo que la iglesia hace contradice lo que la iglesia dice! Estas objeciones deben descartarse.
Se debe establecer una verdadera tolerancia cero para garantizar que cualquier sacerdote que abuse de un menor sea retirado de la iglesia inmediatamente. ¡Si la ley canónica no lo considera, es necesario reformar el Código de Derecho Canónico! Lamentablemente, el Código de Derecho Canónico ha sido utilizado con más frecuencia para proteger al abusador que para castigarlo. Aquí en Irlanda, en la década de 1990, vimos cómo el Vaticano les decía a los obispos que no informaran a la policía de los sacerdotes que abusaban, pues era "contrario al derecho canónico" (véase el informe Murphy 2009).
Se debe dejar de usar el Secreto Pontificio, en casos de los juicios de los sacerdotes por abuso en el marco del derecho canónico, para restringir los derechos legales de las víctimas al acceso a la información, a los archivos y a otros recursos. Creo que la Pontificia Comisión para la Protección de los Menores recomendó esto hace un año, pero todavía está vigente. El secreto pontificio no estaba destinado a ser usado para restringir los derechos legales de las víctimas.
La Iglesia debe explicar por qué estos cambios no se están realizando y cada familia necesita exigirlos. Si usted no conoce estas propuestas de cambios, infórmese y trabaje para la seguridad de nuestros niños en la iglesia,
Espero que en la discusión que tendremos a continuación, podamos considerar algunos de estos temas.
* * *
Traducción de Rodolfo Soriano-Núñez
Symposium on the Sexual Abuse of Minors Pontifical Gregorian University - Rome – 2012
I was a victim of clerical child sex abuse. I had just turned thirteen and was at my most vulnerable, a sick child in hospital, when a priest sexually abused me. Although it happened more than fifty years ago it is impossible to forget and I can never escape its’ effects.
As was common in children of those days I had no knowledge of sexual matters, this innocence added to my vulnerability. I took my Catholic religion very seriously and had just made my confirmation. I was sick, anxious and away from home and family for the first time. I felt more secure when the Catholic chaplain of the hospital befriended me, visited me and read to me in the evenings. Unfortunately these evening visits to my room were to change my life.
This Chaplain was only a couple of years out of the seminary but he was already a skilled child molester, I could not know this. I had learned that a priest was God’s representative on earth and so he automatically had my trust and respect. When he began to sexually interfere with me, pretending at first, he was being playful; I was shocked and resisted, telling him to stop. He did not stop. While assaulting me he would respond to my resistance by telling me “ he was a priest ” “ he could do no wrong ” He took photographs of the most private part of my body and told me I was “ stupid ” if I thought it was wrong. He had power over me. I felt sick, I felt everything he was doing was wrong, but I could not stop it; I did not call out, I did not tell anyone. I did not know how to tell anyone. I just prayed he would not do it again ………..but he did.
The fact that my abuser was a priest added to the great confusion in my mind. Those fingers that would abuse my body the night before were the next morning holding and offering me the sacred host. The hands that held the camera to photograph my exposed body, in the light of day were holding a prayer book when he came to hear my confession. My abusers’ assertion that he was a priest and could do no wrong rang true with me, I had been taught that priests were above the normal man. This added weight to my feelings of guilt and the conviction that what had happened was my fault; not his. When I left the hospital I was not the same child who had entered. I was no longer a confident, carefree and happy child. Now I was convinced I was a bad person and I needed to hide that from everyone.
I did not turn against my religion, I turned against myself.
The words this priest had used, to transfer his guilt to me, robbed me of any feeling of self-worth. I withdrew into myself, turned away from my family and my friends, and avoided contact with others. My teenage years were spent alone, keeping everyone at a distance in case they would find out what a bad, dirty person I was. This constant feeling of guilt and worthlessness led to deep depression and problems with anxiety which became serious enough to need medical treatment by the time I was seventeen. Long hospitalisations with depression followed and this left me unable to follow a career.
At twenty nine I met a wonderful man, married and had a son. But I still could not cope with life, the depression, severe anxiety and feelings of worthlessness continued. I developed agoraphobia which meant I was could not leave my house without suffering severe panic attacks. I was unable to give my son all the attention a mother should and could not fully enjoy his childhood. I felt I was a failure as a wife and mother. I felt that my husband and son would be much happier if I left them or died.
I was forty seven before I spoke of my abuse for the first time; this was to a doctor who was treating me. He advised me to warn the Church about this priest. I arranged a meeting with a curate in my
parish. I was very nervous. It would be only the second time I had spoken to anyone about what had happened to me. This priest refused to take the name of my abuser and said he saw no need to report the chaplain. He told me what had happened was probably my fault. This response shattered me.
I had only begun to accept, through my doctor's help, that I had done nothing to cause my abuse. Now being told by my priest, that it was “ probably my fault ” caused all my old feelings of guilt and shame to re surface. I could not face talking of it again so stopped seeing my doctor. This curate’s response served to keep me silent for a further ten years, more years of hospital stays, medication and hopelessness. He later told the police that he did not take my abuser's name because that was what he had been taught in the seminary [1]
Ten years on there was extensive coverage in our press of serial sexual abuse by a Catholic priest. For the first time I began to understand that the man who had abused me might have done it to others. Thinking it was something about me that caused it to happen I had never considered that my abuser might have harmed others. Now I understood more I knew I must try again to let people know what had happened, so that children might be protected. This time I decided to go to the top with the certainty of mind that, once his superiors knew that this priest was a possible danger to children, their safety would come first and every step would be taken to ensure that no more would be harmed.
I wrote to my Archbishop and then gave details of my abuse to his chancellor, a monsignor and canon lawyer. This began the two most difficult years of my life. The priest who had sexually assaulted me was protected by his superiors from prosecution. He was left for months in his parish ministry which included mentoring children preparing for confirmation – the safety of those children ignored by his superiors. All this went against the Irish Catholic Church’s guidelines on child protection of the time - they were ignored. It has since come to light that these guidelines were thrown into doubt by opinion from the Vatican that they might not conform to canon law [2]. My Archbishop told me he did not have to follow them, despite the people being told they were being followed to the letter. I was treated as someone with an agenda against the Church, the police investigation was obstructed and the laity misled. I was distraught.
I could not believe leaders in my Church would think it morally right to leave children at risk. The accused priest had admitted his guilt to the diocese but during a meeting with my Archbishop I learned that his priority was the protection of the 'good name' of my abuser. I asked him how he could leave a known abuser in a position of trust with children? Rather than answer the question he admonished me for referring to this priest as 'an abuser' insisting it was a long time ago so I could not call him that. The Archbishop considered my abuse “ historical ” so felt it would be unfair to tarnish the priest’s “ good name ” now. I have heard this argument from others in leadership in the Catholic Church and always there is blindness to the current risk to children from these men. Why?
When I disclosed my abuse to the hospital authorities where it took place I received a very different response. They were concerned for my well-being, offering me counseling and care while they immediately reported to the police and co-operated with their investigation.
After a long struggle my abuser was brought to justice and jailed for his crimes against me. My case is an example of how so called "historical" reports must be treated just as seriously as current ones. My abuser was jailed again last year for repeated sexual assaults on another young girl. These assaults took place a quarter of a century after he abused me and while he was still a trusted priest in her parish. He threatened this victim that her Catholic family would be thrown out of the Church if she told anyone what he was doing to her. These men can abuse for their whole lifetime leaving behind them a trail of destroyed lives.
The mishandling of my case by the Church leadership led to a total collapse of my trust and respect in them and in my Church which until then had survived intact despite the actions of my abuser. What they had done was contrary to everything I held dear. I had believed justice and the centrality of moral law were embodied in my Catholic Church.
The final death of any respect that might have survived in me towards my religious leaders came after my abuser's conviction. I learned that the diocese had discovered, just months after my abuse, that this priest was abusing children in the hospital but did nothing about it except move him to a new parish. This was on his file when I made my report but despite knowing this they had still protected him.
After the trial the Archbishop issued a press statement to reassure the laity saying the “diocese had co-operated with the civil authorities” in my case. When pressed on this obvious lie [3] the diocesan representative admitted that they felt the statement was justified, as it did not say they had co-operated “fully”. How could I believe in anything my Church leaders said in the future knowing they were capable of this type of mental gymnastics? or known in the Church as "mental reservation".
I lived a life for over thirty years where just getting from one day to another was a struggle. I felt these were wasted years, a wasted life. I had many treatments for my mental health problems, some of which were helpful but none solved my problems. The beginning of recovery for me was the day in court when my abuser took responsibility for his actions and admitted his guilt.
This admission had a profound effect on me. It led in time to my being able to forgive what he had done and no longer feel him as a presence in my life. I attended therapy for nearly two years and through this came to understand how this abuser had twisted my view of myself. This had come at a crucial time in my development. My feelings of guilt and a very poor self-image led me to turn away from those nearest to me and isolate myself. My deep-seated anxiety led to depression. Gaining insight into all these areas helped me to believe things could change. I could be in control of my life rather than have my past control me. I was able to leave the wasted years behind. I have not been hospitalized with any mental health issue since that time.
My one regret is that I can rarely bring myself to practice my Catholic religion. My faith in God has not been touched. I can forgive my abuser for his actions, he has admitted his guilt. But how do I regain my respect for the leadership of my Church? Apologising for the actions of the abusive priests is not enough. There must be acknowledgement and accountability for the harm and destruction that has been done to the life of victims and their families by the often deliberate cover up and mishandling of cases by their superiors. Before I or other victims can find real peace and healing.
Trying to save the institution from scandal has caused the greatest of all scandals and has perpetuated the harm of the abuse and destroyed the faith of many victims.
I feel the best of my life began fifteen years ago when my abuser was brought to justice. During those years I have worked with my diocese and the wider Catholic Church in Ireland to improve their child protection policies. I have used those years to become involved in working for justice for survivors and spoken out for better understanding of child abuse and for the improved protection of children. My life is no longer a wasteland. I feel it has meaning and worth.
References:
1 Para 13.12 Commission of Investigation - Dublin Archdiocese Report
2 Para 7.13/7.14 Commission of Investigation - Dublin Archdiocese Report
3 A number of years later (13th April 2002) the archbishop issued a statement apologising for the lack of co-operation with the police
I was a victim of clerical child sex abuse. I had just turned thirteen and was at my most vulnerable, a sick child in hospital, when a priest sexually abused me. Although it happened more than fifty years ago it is impossible to forget and I can never escape its’ effects.
As was common in children of those days I had no knowledge of sexual matters, this innocence added to my vulnerability. I took my Catholic religion very seriously and had just made my confirmation. I was sick, anxious and away from home and family for the first time. I felt more secure when the Catholic chaplain of the hospital befriended me, visited me and read to me in the evenings. Unfortunately these evening visits to my room were to change my life.
This Chaplain was only a couple of years out of the seminary but he was already a skilled child molester, I could not know this. I had learned that a priest was God’s representative on earth and so he automatically had my trust and respect. When he began to sexually interfere with me, pretending at first, he was being playful; I was shocked and resisted, telling him to stop. He did not stop. While assaulting me he would respond to my resistance by telling me “ he was a priest ” “ he could do no wrong ” He took photographs of the most private part of my body and told me I was “ stupid ” if I thought it was wrong. He had power over me. I felt sick, I felt everything he was doing was wrong, but I could not stop it; I did not call out, I did not tell anyone. I did not know how to tell anyone. I just prayed he would not do it again ………..but he did.
The fact that my abuser was a priest added to the great confusion in my mind. Those fingers that would abuse my body the night before were the next morning holding and offering me the sacred host. The hands that held the camera to photograph my exposed body, in the light of day were holding a prayer book when he came to hear my confession. My abusers’ assertion that he was a priest and could do no wrong rang true with me, I had been taught that priests were above the normal man. This added weight to my feelings of guilt and the conviction that what had happened was my fault; not his. When I left the hospital I was not the same child who had entered. I was no longer a confident, carefree and happy child. Now I was convinced I was a bad person and I needed to hide that from everyone.
I did not turn against my religion, I turned against myself.
The words this priest had used, to transfer his guilt to me, robbed me of any feeling of self-worth. I withdrew into myself, turned away from my family and my friends, and avoided contact with others. My teenage years were spent alone, keeping everyone at a distance in case they would find out what a bad, dirty person I was. This constant feeling of guilt and worthlessness led to deep depression and problems with anxiety which became serious enough to need medical treatment by the time I was seventeen. Long hospitalisations with depression followed and this left me unable to follow a career.
At twenty nine I met a wonderful man, married and had a son. But I still could not cope with life, the depression, severe anxiety and feelings of worthlessness continued. I developed agoraphobia which meant I was could not leave my house without suffering severe panic attacks. I was unable to give my son all the attention a mother should and could not fully enjoy his childhood. I felt I was a failure as a wife and mother. I felt that my husband and son would be much happier if I left them or died.
I was forty seven before I spoke of my abuse for the first time; this was to a doctor who was treating me. He advised me to warn the Church about this priest. I arranged a meeting with a curate in my
parish. I was very nervous. It would be only the second time I had spoken to anyone about what had happened to me. This priest refused to take the name of my abuser and said he saw no need to report the chaplain. He told me what had happened was probably my fault. This response shattered me.
I had only begun to accept, through my doctor's help, that I had done nothing to cause my abuse. Now being told by my priest, that it was “ probably my fault ” caused all my old feelings of guilt and shame to re surface. I could not face talking of it again so stopped seeing my doctor. This curate’s response served to keep me silent for a further ten years, more years of hospital stays, medication and hopelessness. He later told the police that he did not take my abuser's name because that was what he had been taught in the seminary [1]
Ten years on there was extensive coverage in our press of serial sexual abuse by a Catholic priest. For the first time I began to understand that the man who had abused me might have done it to others. Thinking it was something about me that caused it to happen I had never considered that my abuser might have harmed others. Now I understood more I knew I must try again to let people know what had happened, so that children might be protected. This time I decided to go to the top with the certainty of mind that, once his superiors knew that this priest was a possible danger to children, their safety would come first and every step would be taken to ensure that no more would be harmed.
I wrote to my Archbishop and then gave details of my abuse to his chancellor, a monsignor and canon lawyer. This began the two most difficult years of my life. The priest who had sexually assaulted me was protected by his superiors from prosecution. He was left for months in his parish ministry which included mentoring children preparing for confirmation – the safety of those children ignored by his superiors. All this went against the Irish Catholic Church’s guidelines on child protection of the time - they were ignored. It has since come to light that these guidelines were thrown into doubt by opinion from the Vatican that they might not conform to canon law [2]. My Archbishop told me he did not have to follow them, despite the people being told they were being followed to the letter. I was treated as someone with an agenda against the Church, the police investigation was obstructed and the laity misled. I was distraught.
I could not believe leaders in my Church would think it morally right to leave children at risk. The accused priest had admitted his guilt to the diocese but during a meeting with my Archbishop I learned that his priority was the protection of the 'good name' of my abuser. I asked him how he could leave a known abuser in a position of trust with children? Rather than answer the question he admonished me for referring to this priest as 'an abuser' insisting it was a long time ago so I could not call him that. The Archbishop considered my abuse “ historical ” so felt it would be unfair to tarnish the priest’s “ good name ” now. I have heard this argument from others in leadership in the Catholic Church and always there is blindness to the current risk to children from these men. Why?
When I disclosed my abuse to the hospital authorities where it took place I received a very different response. They were concerned for my well-being, offering me counseling and care while they immediately reported to the police and co-operated with their investigation.
After a long struggle my abuser was brought to justice and jailed for his crimes against me. My case is an example of how so called "historical" reports must be treated just as seriously as current ones. My abuser was jailed again last year for repeated sexual assaults on another young girl. These assaults took place a quarter of a century after he abused me and while he was still a trusted priest in her parish. He threatened this victim that her Catholic family would be thrown out of the Church if she told anyone what he was doing to her. These men can abuse for their whole lifetime leaving behind them a trail of destroyed lives.
The mishandling of my case by the Church leadership led to a total collapse of my trust and respect in them and in my Church which until then had survived intact despite the actions of my abuser. What they had done was contrary to everything I held dear. I had believed justice and the centrality of moral law were embodied in my Catholic Church.
The final death of any respect that might have survived in me towards my religious leaders came after my abuser's conviction. I learned that the diocese had discovered, just months after my abuse, that this priest was abusing children in the hospital but did nothing about it except move him to a new parish. This was on his file when I made my report but despite knowing this they had still protected him.
After the trial the Archbishop issued a press statement to reassure the laity saying the “diocese had co-operated with the civil authorities” in my case. When pressed on this obvious lie [3] the diocesan representative admitted that they felt the statement was justified, as it did not say they had co-operated “fully”. How could I believe in anything my Church leaders said in the future knowing they were capable of this type of mental gymnastics? or known in the Church as "mental reservation".
I lived a life for over thirty years where just getting from one day to another was a struggle. I felt these were wasted years, a wasted life. I had many treatments for my mental health problems, some of which were helpful but none solved my problems. The beginning of recovery for me was the day in court when my abuser took responsibility for his actions and admitted his guilt.
This admission had a profound effect on me. It led in time to my being able to forgive what he had done and no longer feel him as a presence in my life. I attended therapy for nearly two years and through this came to understand how this abuser had twisted my view of myself. This had come at a crucial time in my development. My feelings of guilt and a very poor self-image led me to turn away from those nearest to me and isolate myself. My deep-seated anxiety led to depression. Gaining insight into all these areas helped me to believe things could change. I could be in control of my life rather than have my past control me. I was able to leave the wasted years behind. I have not been hospitalized with any mental health issue since that time.
My one regret is that I can rarely bring myself to practice my Catholic religion. My faith in God has not been touched. I can forgive my abuser for his actions, he has admitted his guilt. But how do I regain my respect for the leadership of my Church? Apologising for the actions of the abusive priests is not enough. There must be acknowledgement and accountability for the harm and destruction that has been done to the life of victims and their families by the often deliberate cover up and mishandling of cases by their superiors. Before I or other victims can find real peace and healing.
Trying to save the institution from scandal has caused the greatest of all scandals and has perpetuated the harm of the abuse and destroyed the faith of many victims.
I feel the best of my life began fifteen years ago when my abuser was brought to justice. During those years I have worked with my diocese and the wider Catholic Church in Ireland to improve their child protection policies. I have used those years to become involved in working for justice for survivors and spoken out for better understanding of child abuse and for the improved protection of children. My life is no longer a wasteland. I feel it has meaning and worth.
References:
1 Para 13.12 Commission of Investigation - Dublin Archdiocese Report
2 Para 7.13/7.14 Commission of Investigation - Dublin Archdiocese Report
3 A number of years later (13th April 2002) the archbishop issued a statement apologising for the lack of co-operation with the police